yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
