If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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