The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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