My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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