Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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