I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
you made out with another girl for some wings
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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