Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
