ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
