Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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