I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
