Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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