I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
