Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
