I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Randomize
