I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
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