Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize