oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
