I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
