What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
