I haven't been this sober since birth.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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