i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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