all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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