what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
