as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
And then he peed in my hair
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