Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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