VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
