Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
