the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
