I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
