we have officially lost it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
