you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
