so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
