thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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