His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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