plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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