Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
