P.S. I can't hear my feet
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
