I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
