dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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