Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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