is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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