I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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