please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
