Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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