I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
