Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He has the fingertips of a God
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