Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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