Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
