How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
