first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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