we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
we made out on top of his cat.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
