dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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