I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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