Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
