the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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