Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
