i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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