I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Randomize
