I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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