I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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