I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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