So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
