She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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