Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
