What did we do last night that was yellow?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize